hopeless spontaneity.

Well. 7 months have gone by now. I still miss you, but I guess that’s expected. You were a huge part of my life. I’m actually doing fine without you, I’m being productive, I’m back to my happy, upbeat self. I keep hearing our songs on the radio or repeatedly during my shuffle playlist. The songs brought it to my attention that hearing them doesn’t make me smile anymore. They don’t give me butterflies. They’re just songs. It stings a little to know how much these songs used to mean to me, and now they’re just a part of a playlist that I skip over a lot. Most of them don’t bring back any feelings because I’ve suppressed everything so well. I know that if I tried, I could bring back those feelings I was feeling when we were in love. But I won’t do that to myself. Never again. I am content knowing that these songs will bring back little memories, but not feelings. I don’t ever want to go back down that road with you. For the longest time I thought I wanted you back but now I know that I only think I feel that way when I over think what happened between us. I hate the way it ended and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about all of it for the tiniest second. You really were my world. But I will have to keep moving forward as I am, and know in my heart that it was real.

It was hard to relearn everything… but I did it. Everything we used to do together, I do alone. Every song we used to sing, I can sing alone. I can go to all of our favorite places and not shed a tear. I still cry sometimes but to me it is just reassurance that it wasn’t all a dream. I’m not completely sad all the time anymore.  I am rarely sad now. and it is a strange way to be. I am learning to love life again and it’s so freeing and fun. I’m doing okay without you, and I hope you can say the same.

We’ve changed each other for the better, and I truly do wish you the best. 

I love you.